On a whim and a prayer

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Here’s how I thought writing a novel would be:

1. I would be struck by divine inspiration
2. Inspiration would be followed by a feverish all-night writing session which would produce a brilliant first draft
3. I would edit aformentioned brilliant first draft
4. Based on my vast platform of 10 followers, there would be an international bidding war for my novel
5. Although Penguin Random House would court me with money and the cache of Knopf, the artistic soul in me would go with a boutique literary press, still for a six figure advance.
6. 10 city book tour, NPR interview with Terty Gross, Sunshine Book Club, Oprah.
7. Tombstone would say loving wife, mother, nana and NYT bestselling author.

Here’s how it is turning out to be in reality:

1. Divine inspiration did strike, but God has a great sense of humor, so He struck me with rom-com inspiration, not Ulysses inspiration. Ulysses inspiration was unlikely anyway given that I haven’t read it.
2. In honor of romance-novel-to-be I break out a brand new pink journal. I’m cheap, so the journal is actually swag from a recent work function. I love Moleskine passionately, but not enough to pay $20 for a blank journal, and also it would undermine the whole starving artist look I’m going for.
3. I study TED talks, podcasts, writing blogs like there might be a pop quiz at any moment.
4. …………(cookies are eaten, tears are shed)
5. Furiously write a page
6. ……….. (see: cookies, tears)
7. Write another page
8. …………… (by now I have gone up a pant size)
9. Re-read first page, engage in self-shaming
10. Reach out to a writing friend. Vomit angst all over her.
11. Writing friend replies with her signature mix of warmth and knock-it-off-this-instant.
12. I knock it off this instant.
13. Go back to #4, repeat.

At the end of this process I may have a funny romance, I may have an unfunny pastoral novel, or I may be in the funny farm. One things is for certain, I will emerge changed….and fat.